Tag Archives: Health

Am I in denial?

“The books” say that it is normal to experience psychological issues following a heart event… relief, worry, fear, anger, anxiety, dread, depression.

I feel fine.

Am I in denial?

“Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
– George R R Martin, A Game of Thrones

This is a big question, so I started by looking online for guidance…

I was amazed to discover that it’s possible to perform one of many Popular Denial Quizzes!!! Somehow it seems reasonable to have “Denial Quizzes”, but this is a serious matter and adding the word “Popular” trivialises it somehow. Anyway, after some time I discovered:

Yes, I am really over her (Are you really over him / her?)
I am “Quite Normal” (How insane are you?)
I’m in “Acceptance” (What stage of sorrow are you?)
My soul shines “Red” (What colour light does your soul shine?)
…
Sorry… No more! I’m losing the will to live, and not feeling like I’m getting closer to an answer… please feel free to explore the other quizzes and let me know if I missed anything insightful!

The thing is, I don’t feel like I’ve been through anything particularly major.

Yes, I know having a Heart Attack is a big deal. If someone I know had been through the same experience I would be concerned for them. I have first-hand experience of this – I think my feelings were a little pity and a little fear. For them, not for me.

Am I in denial?

“The thing about denial is that it doesn’t feel like denial when it’s going on.”
– Georgina kleege, Sight Unseen

I was ill for a couple of hours – the time between having the Heart Attack and completion of the angioplasty procedure. I was clearly at risk before this (and definitely in denial at that stage!).

I didn’t need to have an Operation. There were no stitches. At no point were any procedures performed on me while I was unconscious. I was able to play my own (very small) role as and when required to do so.

It might sound strange, but I wasn’t scared. Uncomfortable, yes. In distress. But I didn’t feel like I was particularly in danger.

Am I in denial?

“Denial is an essential part of my existence. Without it, I am nothing.”
– Jason Krumbine, Just Dial 911 for Assistance

Am I now more aware of my mortality? Probably, but it’s not a new concept for me.

I think about things… a lot. I think about what the future might hold – bad as well as good. I don’t obsess about it, just think from time to time. I guess I’ve always worked on the basis that thinking through lots of potential scenarios will make me better prepared when something does happen – like having a Heart Attack, for example. For me, it was a shock but not a huge surprise.

For most of us we will never know when we faced our greatest risk. These moments pass, leaving us safe and blissfully ignorant.

Am I in denial?

“I wasn’t crying about mothers,” he said rather indignantly. “I was crying because I can’t get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn’t crying.”
– J M Barrie, Peter Pan

I have Coronary Heart Disease. I always will. As a result I have a higher risk of having heart problems in the future. However, the medication I take, and a living healthy lifestyle, will help prevent it inconveniencing me, but I know I’ll never be “cured”.

There is nothing I can do about the choices I made in the past. As far as I’m concerned my health is down to me and the choices I make in the future.

Am I in denial?

“Everything was perfectly healthy and normal here in Denial Land.”
– Jim Butcher, Cold Days

I feel good. I feel strong. I am sleeping well. I am really looking forward to the Rehab sessions so I can set some new goals and start to build a new routine. I feel ready to return to work.

I have already made changes. I am ready to make more.

The more people I talk to or hear about the more I realise how lucky I am. There are lots of people in far worse positions than me.

***

Personally, I don’t think I am in denial, but I would wouldn’t I!

Habits: Past and Future

Leave a reply

Breakfast in a previous life

In the [I want to day “good” here, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate] old days, my day used to start with a nice strong coffee; black, extra shot, a little hot water, brown sugar.

Before that, the coffee would be accompanied by a cigarette… drive to the office, coffee, cigarette. An unrushed, gentle introduction to the day. Wonderful!

How come bad habits are so easy to get into? Is it as simple as the fact that being naughty and getting away with it makes you feel good? I guess I got away with it… up to a point!

Over the recent past I’ve broken lots of bad habits:

I stopped Smoking about 9 months ago. Mentally I was done with it (“for the time being”), now I’m just done with it.
I haven’t had a drink since before the heart attack. I guess Red Wine should be my drink of choice now but to be honest I don’t like it that much. If I were to have a drink, I would do so in moderation, of course, sticking to guidelines on safe limits.
I’m now drinking decaf… coffee, tea, coke (if I had drunk any… so far my carbonated treats have been limited to an Appetiser… and very nice it was too!).
I have always had a penchant for nibbles… eclectic mixes of savoury treats to “fill a little hole”… crisps, nuts, pretzels, nachos… the more the merrier! These have been replaced by a nice healthy piece of fruit, or some crudités.

I know one drink, or a cup of ‘proper’ coffee are not going to kill me (more accurately, based on recent experience, are unlikely to kill me!). I know moderation is the key…. “give yourself a break from time to time”. The problem is that I’m not good at moderation.

I’ve always been an “all or nothing” kind of guy.

[I think this means that “I am an all or nothing kind of guy” but I guess that’s something that may potentially change too… we’ll see!]

I recognise that breaking bad habits is only half of the equation. I need to find myself some good habits to fill the gaps. At the moment I’m “sick”…

Concerned friend / acquaintance: “Hi, how are you?”
P: “I’m fine, thanks.”
Concerned friend / acquaintance: “No you’re not, you’ve just had a heart attack.”
P: “OK, I’m fine… considering.”

This situation will end. Eventually I will be “Fine, thanks.” At that point in time I need to have some good habits up my sleeve to fall into. I think it’s important that they are my habits. I find it’s much easier to get into your own habits rather than those that others would like to push onto you. Call me selfish, but for me habits are personal!

I’m looking forward to exploring the options of habits for the future. What will be my drink of choice? Perhaps I’ll end up being the annoying guest that always wants something different to drink (always something different to what there is in the house!).

About 15 years ago I went through a (short) period of loving spicy Virgin / Bloody Marys… my mouth is salivating at the thought of one… bring it on!

Independence Day (FD + 17)

Leave a reply

P: “What time are you off to the gym?”
L: “About 9. Why?”
P: “Just wondering when to do my walk this morning.”
L: “Why don’t you wait for the girls and go with one of them?”
P: “What time do you think they’ll be up?”
[There is no reasonable response to this question. Teenagers. Week one of school holiday. Late nights. etc.]
Silence…

P: “I could always go on my own.”
Silence…

A few minutes later…

P: “OK. I think I’ll go for my walk.”
L: “On your own?”
P: “Yes.”
L: “OK. Have you got your phone?”
P: “Yes.”

And with that, I regained a little bit of my independence.

Little things can make a big difference… I am able to leave the house on my own; a rite of passage I thought I’d bagged when I first nipped to the local newsagent for a treat, or the corner shop for a forgotten essential, back in the day (“Mum, I’ll be back in five minutes!”). I’d guess that I was about 8 years old when I first did this, but it feels a bit young.

Things were different back then… Mars Bars were the size of bricks (certainly more than a chap could eat in one sitting) and you could pick up a couple of packets of Hamlet Cigars for the builders while you were there!

A Mars Bar and a Brick circa 1980

Anyway, the point is, some things have to be re-gained, re-learnt or re-earned. I guess a lot of growing up, a lot of learning, is about being able to take things for granted… walking, reading, writing, mental arithmetic, riding a bike, driving a car, etc. You should take these things for granted but for one reason or another some people can’t.

I’m OK walking. For the first couple of days after leaving hospital I was tentative. My chest wasn’t sore, but it was a bit tight. I definitely wasn’t 100%. I’m still not 100%, but I’m moving in the right direction.

Gentle, controlled exercise is the name of the game for me. I’m building up strength to start my Phase 3 Rehabilitation (incorporating tailored gym routines, education, etc.). The target is to get to walking 30 minutes twice a day by the time I start these sessions (just 2 more weeks).

We don’t believe in “No pain, no gain!” “Pain” is not a target state for me at the moment. I carry a magic spray that will come to my rescue if I do feel chest pain at any stage, but I really don’t want to go there!

That said, we live on the side of a hill. It’s not possible to walk more that 5 yards from our front door without encountering a slope. Doing a 20+ minute walk incorporates many slopes… as long as I don’t feel pain, get out of breath or “over do” it, I’m fine. So slopes introduce some variety and a (little) challenge.

I felt a strange sensation last night…

My legs ached slightly. Just a little. It wasn’t a scary ache. An “I’ve done a little bit of exercise today”-type ache. It’s the first time I’ve felt it since my Heart Attack. It felt good. I know I can’t push myself, but it’s the first sign that my “little” walks are doing anything more than getting the old ticker pumping.

Until recently, I’d always taken it for granted that my heart wasn’t my weakest link. I look forward to earning that back too!

Welcome to the club!

Check Up #1 (FD +11)

2 Replies

I have never been great with doctor’s surgeries. I’ve always felt that being “under the doctor” was something to be avoided, an acknowledgement of weakness. In fact, I think this was my first visit to the doctors in over 12 years.

Looking around the waiting room I felt I was healthy, certainly in the top quartile (and that’s including the carers, drivers, etc.). There really seem to be a lot of sick people around these days!

Fortunately the doctor seemed to agree. Given it’s the first time I’ve seen him since the heart attack, he seemed remarkably relaxed about the whole situation. You’d think it was run-of-the-mill. Something he sees every day!

A quick review of my hospital discharge information “letter” confirmed:

I am 42
I have had a heart attack
Stents were fitted to my left anterior descending (LAD) branch
The procedure was a “complete success”
The ECHO revealed mild-moderate damage
I was well following the procedure

So that’s all good!

If they had got my address right it would have been a full house! I don’t know how many times we corrected the address when I was in hospital – they have a hybrid between the flat I lived in when I first came to Aberdeen and my current address. It’s incorrect. Wrong. Useless. The letter helpfully states “An appointment will be sent to the address above”… but don’t hold your breath!

A further review of my medical history revealed:

“The pies may well have been a factor, but the fags are the main culprit.”

It appears that smoking is, far and away, the biggest factor in (my) heart health. I don’t quite understand why I should have had my heart attack after having given up smoking (over 9 months ago), but I did.

Having given up, there have been no guilt-trips or nagging, just confirmation that I’ve “done the most important thing”.

I really would not like to be in my situation and still addicted to nicotine. Smoking is bad for you!

The doctor confirmed that, as the stents are ensuring blood flow to my heart, I should be in better shape now than before the heart attack. My blood pressure is also “perfect”… the pills are working.

So it’s full speed ahead to the next stage of my recuperation… rehab here I come (after a wee nap of course, it’s been a busy day)!