Category Archives: Heart Attack

Am I in denial?

“The books” say that it is normal to experience psychological issues following a heart event… relief, worry, fear, anger, anxiety, dread, depression.

I feel fine.

Am I in denial?

“Most men would rather deny a hard truth than face it.”
– George R R Martin, A Game of Thrones

This is a big question, so I started by looking online for guidance…

I was amazed to discover that it’s possible to perform one of many Popular Denial Quizzes!!! Somehow it seems reasonable to have “Denial Quizzes”, but this is a serious matter and adding the word “Popular” trivialises it somehow. Anyway, after some time I discovered:

Yes, I am really over her (Are you really over him / her?)
I am “Quite Normal” (How insane are you?)
I’m in “Acceptance” (What stage of sorrow are you?)
My soul shines “Red” (What colour light does your soul shine?)
…
Sorry… No more! I’m losing the will to live, and not feeling like I’m getting closer to an answer… please feel free to explore the other quizzes and let me know if I missed anything insightful!

The thing is, I don’t feel like I’ve been through anything particularly major.

Yes, I know having a Heart Attack is a big deal. If someone I know had been through the same experience I would be concerned for them. I have first-hand experience of this – I think my feelings were a little pity and a little fear. For them, not for me.

Am I in denial?

“The thing about denial is that it doesn’t feel like denial when it’s going on.”
– Georgina kleege, Sight Unseen

I was ill for a couple of hours – the time between having the Heart Attack and completion of the angioplasty procedure. I was clearly at risk before this (and definitely in denial at that stage!).

I didn’t need to have an Operation. There were no stitches. At no point were any procedures performed on me while I was unconscious. I was able to play my own (very small) role as and when required to do so.

It might sound strange, but I wasn’t scared. Uncomfortable, yes. In distress. But I didn’t feel like I was particularly in danger.

Am I in denial?

“Denial is an essential part of my existence. Without it, I am nothing.”
– Jason Krumbine, Just Dial 911 for Assistance

Am I now more aware of my mortality? Probably, but it’s not a new concept for me.

I think about things… a lot. I think about what the future might hold – bad as well as good. I don’t obsess about it, just think from time to time. I guess I’ve always worked on the basis that thinking through lots of potential scenarios will make me better prepared when something does happen – like having a Heart Attack, for example. For me, it was a shock but not a huge surprise.

For most of us we will never know when we faced our greatest risk. These moments pass, leaving us safe and blissfully ignorant.

Am I in denial?

“I wasn’t crying about mothers,” he said rather indignantly. “I was crying because I can’t get my shadow to stick on. Besides, I wasn’t crying.”
– J M Barrie, Peter Pan

I have Coronary Heart Disease. I always will. As a result I have a higher risk of having heart problems in the future. However, the medication I take, and a living healthy lifestyle, will help prevent it inconveniencing me, but I know I’ll never be “cured”.

There is nothing I can do about the choices I made in the past. As far as I’m concerned my health is down to me and the choices I make in the future.

Am I in denial?

“Everything was perfectly healthy and normal here in Denial Land.”
– Jim Butcher, Cold Days

I feel good. I feel strong. I am sleeping well. I am really looking forward to the Rehab sessions so I can set some new goals and start to build a new routine. I feel ready to return to work.

I have already made changes. I am ready to make more.

The more people I talk to or hear about the more I realise how lucky I am. There are lots of people in far worse positions than me.

***

Personally, I don’t think I am in denial, but I would wouldn’t I!

A good day! (FD +22)

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I have some days when I wake up in the morning with a feeling of excited anticipation for the day ahead. Today wasn’t one of those days.

The feeling has, however, grown as the day has gone on. My immediate reaction was that I’ve overdone it, I’m exhausted, but I’m happy to confirm that this is not the case!

It’s amazing what a bit of targeted pottering can do to raise the spirits! Today was my first official day of “preparing to return to work”. Given Wimbledon has finished and it’s a rest day in Le Tour, it could hardly have been planned better!

I’m up to over 30 mins on my twice daily walks now. I have found a circuit that takes between 14 mins (fast, hard) and 15.5 mins (steady, comfortable). Today was a comfortable day. The sun put in an early appearance too. I was home and hosed early. A great way to kick the day off.

The rest of the day was spent connecting…

Life in a bubble (with connecting tube)

Communication was difficult immediately after the Heart Attack… not the easiest thing to drop into casual conversation (“Oh, and by the way, I’ve just had a Heart Attack”), and not something that you can leave out (“No, everything’s fine. Honest!”). So, the easiest approach is to avoid the conversations. People who need to will find out in time, one way or another. As a result, it’s very easy to live in your own little bubble. Comfortable but isolated.

For a short time this helps. You get rest, not tired out by visitors. Protected from the stresses and strains of every day life.

Eventually you need to re-connect, catch up, make contact. This is not as easy as it sounds. The longer you’ve been in the bubble, the more difficult it is. The world moves fast (or at least it feels like it does when you’re not moving with it!). Today was my day to grab the bull by the horns…

The day included a (very) brief client meeting and a “news” release on the website to announce my imminent return (so much easier than having to announce that I was sick!). Both were small things, but felt big to me.

Website Photo by Daughter #2
[Not sure how long the facial hair will last!]

The highlight of the day was re-connecting with a couple of really good friends*. Being men, I am confident that now we have spoken about my Heart Attack, there is no further need to discuss it. More than anything, I think this has helped me feel like the worst is behind me (and, fortunately, that really wasn’t that bad either).

Oh… and I’m hopefully going fishing tomorrow! 🙂

***

*Pete – I know I need to call you, sorry!

Habits: Past and Future

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Breakfast in a previous life

In the [I want to day “good” here, but I’m not sure that’s appropriate] old days, my day used to start with a nice strong coffee; black, extra shot, a little hot water, brown sugar.

Before that, the coffee would be accompanied by a cigarette… drive to the office, coffee, cigarette. An unrushed, gentle introduction to the day. Wonderful!

How come bad habits are so easy to get into? Is it as simple as the fact that being naughty and getting away with it makes you feel good? I guess I got away with it… up to a point!

Over the recent past I’ve broken lots of bad habits:

I stopped Smoking about 9 months ago. Mentally I was done with it (“for the time being”), now I’m just done with it.
I haven’t had a drink since before the heart attack. I guess Red Wine should be my drink of choice now but to be honest I don’t like it that much. If I were to have a drink, I would do so in moderation, of course, sticking to guidelines on safe limits.
I’m now drinking decaf… coffee, tea, coke (if I had drunk any… so far my carbonated treats have been limited to an Appetiser… and very nice it was too!).
I have always had a penchant for nibbles… eclectic mixes of savoury treats to “fill a little hole”… crisps, nuts, pretzels, nachos… the more the merrier! These have been replaced by a nice healthy piece of fruit, or some crudités.

I know one drink, or a cup of ‘proper’ coffee are not going to kill me (more accurately, based on recent experience, are unlikely to kill me!). I know moderation is the key…. “give yourself a break from time to time”. The problem is that I’m not good at moderation.

I’ve always been an “all or nothing” kind of guy.

[I think this means that “I am an all or nothing kind of guy” but I guess that’s something that may potentially change too… we’ll see!]

I recognise that breaking bad habits is only half of the equation. I need to find myself some good habits to fill the gaps. At the moment I’m “sick”…

Concerned friend / acquaintance: “Hi, how are you?”
P: “I’m fine, thanks.”
Concerned friend / acquaintance: “No you’re not, you’ve just had a heart attack.”
P: “OK, I’m fine… considering.”

This situation will end. Eventually I will be “Fine, thanks.” At that point in time I need to have some good habits up my sleeve to fall into. I think it’s important that they are my habits. I find it’s much easier to get into your own habits rather than those that others would like to push onto you. Call me selfish, but for me habits are personal!

I’m looking forward to exploring the options of habits for the future. What will be my drink of choice? Perhaps I’ll end up being the annoying guest that always wants something different to drink (always something different to what there is in the house!).

About 15 years ago I went through a (short) period of loving spicy Virgin / Bloody Marys… my mouth is salivating at the thought of one… bring it on!

Independence Day (FD + 17)

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P: “What time are you off to the gym?”
L: “About 9. Why?”
P: “Just wondering when to do my walk this morning.”
L: “Why don’t you wait for the girls and go with one of them?”
P: “What time do you think they’ll be up?”
[There is no reasonable response to this question. Teenagers. Week one of school holiday. Late nights. etc.]
Silence…

P: “I could always go on my own.”
Silence…

A few minutes later…

P: “OK. I think I’ll go for my walk.”
L: “On your own?”
P: “Yes.”
L: “OK. Have you got your phone?”
P: “Yes.”

And with that, I regained a little bit of my independence.

Little things can make a big difference… I am able to leave the house on my own; a rite of passage I thought I’d bagged when I first nipped to the local newsagent for a treat, or the corner shop for a forgotten essential, back in the day (“Mum, I’ll be back in five minutes!”). I’d guess that I was about 8 years old when I first did this, but it feels a bit young.

Things were different back then… Mars Bars were the size of bricks (certainly more than a chap could eat in one sitting) and you could pick up a couple of packets of Hamlet Cigars for the builders while you were there!

A Mars Bar and a Brick circa 1980

Anyway, the point is, some things have to be re-gained, re-learnt or re-earned. I guess a lot of growing up, a lot of learning, is about being able to take things for granted… walking, reading, writing, mental arithmetic, riding a bike, driving a car, etc. You should take these things for granted but for one reason or another some people can’t.

I’m OK walking. For the first couple of days after leaving hospital I was tentative. My chest wasn’t sore, but it was a bit tight. I definitely wasn’t 100%. I’m still not 100%, but I’m moving in the right direction.

Gentle, controlled exercise is the name of the game for me. I’m building up strength to start my Phase 3 Rehabilitation (incorporating tailored gym routines, education, etc.). The target is to get to walking 30 minutes twice a day by the time I start these sessions (just 2 more weeks).

We don’t believe in “No pain, no gain!” “Pain” is not a target state for me at the moment. I carry a magic spray that will come to my rescue if I do feel chest pain at any stage, but I really don’t want to go there!

That said, we live on the side of a hill. It’s not possible to walk more that 5 yards from our front door without encountering a slope. Doing a 20+ minute walk incorporates many slopes… as long as I don’t feel pain, get out of breath or “over do” it, I’m fine. So slopes introduce some variety and a (little) challenge.

I felt a strange sensation last night…

My legs ached slightly. Just a little. It wasn’t a scary ache. An “I’ve done a little bit of exercise today”-type ache. It’s the first time I’ve felt it since my Heart Attack. It felt good. I know I can’t push myself, but it’s the first sign that my “little” walks are doing anything more than getting the old ticker pumping.

Until recently, I’d always taken it for granted that my heart wasn’t my weakest link. I look forward to earning that back too!

How the heart works…

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OK, under exam conditions, there were some basic facts that I didn’t know about how the heart works. I’m sure everyone else knows the details, but just in case, the following link provides a brief overview of the following:

The heart and what it does
What is cardiovascular disease? and What are the symptoms?
What are the risk factors? and How can you reduce your risk?

Some of it is a bit Mickey Mouse… but one of the things I’m realising is that there are two steps to doing the right thing (1) knowing what the right thing to do is, and (2) doing it!

heart%20diagram_image1178onphotolib_article

Click on the picture to learn more about how the heart works

http://www.bhf.org.uk/heart-health/how-your-heart-works/know-your-heart.aspx

Routine, snails & another little disaster (FD +16)

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Routine

You come to rely on small things when your normal routine is interrupted, replaced by strange, temporary acts that never quite feel “routine”. I think the closest comparison is going away on holiday; we tend to jump straight into “the way we do things”, repeating them day after day (with the occasional change to accommodate “treats”). For me, these breaks are always tinged with a slight paranoia that everyone else knows something that we don’t, that we’re missing out and everyone else is having a better time / getting better value for money / etc.

I’m developing a new routine, fortunately with no built-in paranoia! My days are increasingly developing structure. Intentionally unexciting*; exercise, read, rest, eat, (watch) sport, sleep.

Snails

Geoffrey, our friendly snail

Over recent days we have looked forward to our daily visits from a snail (we’ve named him** Geoffrey… no reason). Geoffrey is huge (for a Scottish snail) and brave (foolhardy?). Boldly raising two fingers to the birds of the neighbourhood Geoffrey lives his life in the open, relying on protection from the cats or perhaps his immense size to ward off potential predators.

There is something re-assuring in seeing him going about his business each day, as we go about ours.

Another little disaster

Today we had another little disaster… “Multiple Exchange Outages” resulted in the internet being out of action*** for most of the day!

When I was a kid it seemed like power cuts were run-of-the-mill, every day occurrences. In those days, the worst thing that would happen is that you’d miss your favourite TV programmes (there were limited repeats and definitely no “+1 hour” channels), that dinner would be an improvised cold meal or that you’d have to go to bed early.

Nowadays similar disruptions have much wider implications. If I was trying to work I’d have been completely stuffed. As it is, we are unable to communicate with the outside world (except by mobile, of course), and our entertainment options are severely constrained… we might even have to resort to another jigsaw puzzle!

* For the record, I should point out that others in our household are experiencing a rather more hectic and exhausting lifestyle at present.

** I realise this is sexist. I’m also slightly conscious of the fact that it is potentially more correct to refer to Geoffrey as “it” rather than he or she.

*** At time of sending this situation has been resolved.

When I find myself in times of trouble… (FD +14)

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It’s two weeks since the traumatic events of Father’s Day. It seems like a lifetime ago! A sense of calm* has descended on our household:

The girls have finished school for the year and are chillaxing into their summer holiday.

Louise has resumed her gym regime, more comfortable leaving me unattended. Able to get some time back for herself.

I have settled into my recuperation, combining gentle exercise with rest and a healthy diet. As time has gone by, I have become oblivious to what’s happening at work. My diary is clear for the next couple of weeks (well almost!), and I’ve got a few more days before I officially start pottering at home. I am doing what I’m told!

This weekend we hit trouble: The summer TV schedule has destroyed our Saturday night routine. What were we to do? Relying on our instincts, we did what civilised people have been doing since the dawn of time… we dug out a jigsaw puzzle.

A recently completed jigsaw puzzle

Gone are the days of finding the pieces to let the girls contribute, it turns out that jigsawing has become a highly competitive pursuit, requiring trash-talk and show-boating to get the full experience (I have no idea where they get it from!). It has also become extremely addictive – the crack cocaine of family past-times.

It was all too much for me… I had to retire to bed, exhausted, leaving the ladies to finish the job.

I’m supposed to be taking it easy. It’s nice to do something together as a family, but I’m sorry, if I’m going to fully recover, we need to find something a little more relaxing to do!

* I initially wrote this as a typo, “A sense of clam…”, which may have been a Freudian slip given the amount of fish consumed in the past two weeks!

An athlete’s pulse and “little” walks (FD +13)

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The drugs are working.

The combination of medication has reduced my blood pressure (to a “perfect” level) and also reduced my pulse to under 60 while resting… “an athlete’s pulse” according to the community nurse… unfortunately an athlete on performance enhancing drugs.

The medication is laying the foundation for my recovery, and for my future health. Some of it reduces the work my heart needs to do. Other pills reduce the “stickiness” of my blood and the arteries, reducing the chances of plaque build-up and / or blockage in the future.

While a major component of my recovery, medication alone is not enough. I also need to get myself fit and healthy. The first goal has to be to get back to some sort of physical normality (whatever that means now?!).

Physical recovery initially meant small, slightly humiliating steps. “Little” walks, twice a day. Five minutes to start with. Under supervision. Wrapped in lots of rest. The bruise on my wrist, a constant reminder not to push too hard too soon.

So far, supervisors have been willing… well mostly! Our little walks have given us a chance to catch up on the events of the day, to get some air into our lungs, or to plan the day ahead, while monitoring my condition – breathing, heart rate, signs of fatigue or distress (none to report to date!).

silly-walk-monty-python-13514283-1280-8002

We do not typically dress or walk like this

We do a minute extra each day to build strength and stamina. This challenges us to find new, longer routes… how many times a day can you walk past someone’s house before it starts to become impolite?

I’m pleased to report that I should graduate from “little” walks to walks on Monday (we have decided 20 minutes is the official threshold). Hopefully the supervision will continue to be keen despite the exercise “upgrade”. I won’t need it forever… in time I’m hoping to be able to leave the house on my own… in time!

Medication

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In the past, filling in forms has been quick straightforward for me:

Q: Any medical conditions? A: No
A: Are you on any prescription medication? A: No

Not any more!

I’ve generally been lucky and flown below the healthcare radar, not worrying medical professionals too much. Age has crept up on me recently though… reading glasses were the first external sign of wear and tear. A sign I perhaps should have paid more attention to!

Now things are different. I have an array of medication that I need to take twice a day, most of them for the rest of my life.

I’ve even invested in one of those handy pill dispensers that you only have to remember to fill up once a week, and it tells you whether you remembered to take your medication. How times have changed!

The doctors have made it clear that taking the medication is very important. Not only will it help my recovery, but, in combination with a healthy lifestyle, it will help prevent recurrences.

I really would not have chosen to be in the position I’m in now, but in many ways I’m better off, safer at least, than I was before.

It all smells a bit fishy

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So, although the pies were only a minor factor in my heart attack, they will be (or, in fact, the lack of them will be) a major feature in my recovery / future quest for health.

My Body Mass Index is high. At 29 “point something”, I am at the top end of “Overweight” (25-30), borderline Obese (>30). To get into the “Normal” range I would need to lose about 40lbs (2.5st). This seems like a huge amount of weight to me.

“Big bones” have always featured in our family… it appears that it’s generally accepted that inability to account for differing frame sizes is one of the flaws in the BMI (incidentally, muscularity for athletes is another one, but I’m not going to go there!).
http://www.nhs.uk/tools/pages/healthyweightcalculator.aspx

Having said that, losing weight really won’t do me any harm. As with everything, it needs to be one step at a time – no need to set a firm “final” target just yet.

There are other reasons to think more carefully about what I eat… the heart attack has increased my awareness of “good” (HDL – High-Density Lipoprotein) cholesterol and “bad” (LDL – Low-Density Lipoprotein) cholesterol, of my “five a day”, fibre, Omega-3, etc. etc. As a result, my diet has already changed dramatically… Sustainably? Only time will tell.

Fortunately I (we) like many of the “good” foods… salads, fruit and veg will feature more heavily going forwards… crudités have already become the snack of “choice” and oily fish is the new cold meat.

Equally as important are the foods to be avoided… Fish Supper, Onion Bahji, Butter, Roasted Nuts, Bombay Mix, Pâté, Cheesy Nachos, etc. etc. (“MMmmm!” – Homer Simpson)

Diet for diet’s sake won’t work for me. Creating a healthy heart is a good, noble incentive, but I may well need to set myself a different target, something more tangible, something that ties in both exercise and diet.

I’m starting from a fairly low level of base fitness so I’ll give it a few weeks, until I’m into Rehab Phase 3, before I decide what that target might be.